In a rut

I feel like I am in a rut again. I'm in a dead end job, seriously dead end we are going out of business by the end of the year, I feel like all my friends are getting married, pregnant, or going on adventures to teach foreign kids English. Where I am stuck in Boise, making no money, not dating anyone, and feeling helpless. Don't get me wrong I love Boise, and pretty much want to live here forever since it's close to my family, but I feel like I need to get out of my comfort zone and do something new. I've applied for several jobs, got one interview, got turned down for the job, and now I have no idea where else to apply. I don't know what kind of work I want to do. Do I stay in retail where I'll most likely be working every weekend including Sundays, have unreliable hours, and crappy pay? Or do I try and find something better? And if so what? I don't want to do massage any more which I went to school for and wasted a ton of money. Okay that's not exactly true I would love to do massage, I just have wrist problems that make it hard to do it. I'll lose feeling in my hands for hours-days on end. Not exactly fun let me tell you!
     So I guess the big question is: 

                WHAT DO I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE WHEN I GROW UP?

I know I don't want to do call centers. Yes they make good money, but I don't like people yelling at me for things I have no control of, and I don't want to sit in a cubical all day talking on the phone. I also know I don't want to work fast food ie- McDonalds, Burger King, Jack in the Box, and so forth.

I know I do want a job that will offer benefits, full time or close to, decent pay (ie over min wage) and a steady schedule. (I'm tired of having a different work schedule every single week. It makes it hard to plan things with friends when I never know what I'll be working till the week before.) Is that too much to ask for? I'd also like a place where there aren't people that are constantly gossiping and backstabbing. Which I know pretty much any where I go there will be some but there is sooooo much drama at Fashion Bug. I think working with guys would help even that out a little bit. Stick 9 girls and no guys together all the time and there is nothing but drama drama drama. And man am I tired of it.

So if anyone has any ideas of what I can do for work let me know it would be much appreciated.... 

Somebody

I was going through some old emails and found this poem. It was a nice little reminder :)

Always Remember This:


Somebody is very proud of you.

Somebody is thinking of you.

Somebody is caring about you.

Somebody misses you.

Somebody wants to talk to you.

Somebody wants to be with you.

Somebody hopes you are not in trouble.

Somebody hopes everything turns out all right.

Somebody wants you to be happy.

Somebody can't wait to see you.

Somebody loves you for who you are.

Somebody is glad that you are their friend.

Somebody wants you to know they are there for you.

Somebody needs your support.

Somebody will cry when they read this.

Somebody needs you to have faith in them.

Somebody trusts you.

Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.


Unknown

how do you know?

How can you know for sure that something will not happen when it has happened 8 times before? You can't say this time will be different and know for a fact that it will be. Especially in my life......

Here we go again......

Every time one of my really good friends get into a relationship, I'm suddenly no longer part of their life. My best friend just got into a relationship, and I've already noticed that she's slowly been ignoring me. Okay maybe ignoring isn't the right word.... She doesn't have time for me anymore. Everything revolves around him and her job. So her I go again spriling into a round of depression close to tears thinking What is it about me that people don't like spending time with me? and Why can't I have a relationship?
I hate my life

Sick.....

So I've been sick pretty much since the beginning of the year. I have had a nasty cough, nasal congestion, sore throat, and now to top it off I got a bacterial infection in my ear which caused my ear drum to burst. So now not only am I coughing and can't breath, but I also can't hear out of my right ear. Okay I can hear a little bit but everything is high pitch or I constantly hear white noise... It's really annoying. I'm now on antibotics which will hopefully help everything. I've also tried every nasal decongestion and pretty much nothing is working. I'm going insane!!

Struggling.....

I feel like all I do lately is struggle. I struggle with going to work, I struggle with being in the holiday spirit, I struggle with knowing who my real friends are....

I hate going to work. I love what I do.... I absolutely love when people come in and say I have this event I am going to and I need a new outfit. This is what I like this is what I don't like. Go pick out whatever you think will look amazing. I feel soo accomplished when I'm able to choose things that look amazing on them, and they are happy with the out come. Right now I just can't handle all the backstabbing, and all the complaining, and everything that's going on. One of the managers constantly complains about her love life to everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone. All the employees and all the customers. It's super annoying. She's so scattered brain it's ridiculous. She tells me a hundred different things to do, which I get accomplished for the most part, but she always go back right after me and changes things. Even when I do exactly what she says to do she'll change it. I don't feel appreciated for the things I do. Another manager is constantly ragging on my about my physical appearance. I need to wear makeup I don't look professional, or those camo capris are ugly why are you wearing them, or different things like that. She makes me feel bad about myself all the time, and I'm getting tired of it. There are days I seriously have to do everything in my power not to punch her in the face. She gets away with doing nothing all the time because she's the main manager's best friend. She says almost every shift I don't feel like doing anything so she doesn't, but she's constantly telling me what to do, or trying to send me home early so she can take my hours. And I looked at my schedule for next week and starting today I work 7 days in a row. Not only am I annoyed that I don't get a weekend off this month but I'm also annoyed I'm working another Sunday. When I agreed to become manager part of it was I would only work ONE Sunday a month, and I've been working every other Sunday for about 3 months.... :( GRRR I try talking to the main manager about it and she ignores what I have to say. I seriously don't think this job is worth it. I'm working part time, no insurance, and I really dislike the people I work with. I think I'm going to give my self ulcers with how much I stress about work.

Struggling with the holiday spirit. What else is new. It seems like the older I get the less I like holidays. They use to be fun when I was younger, but now they are all about give me, give me, give me. What ever happened to the true meaning of Christmas???? Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away? Where is the laughter, You used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging, Does that mean Christmas changes too?? That song lyric pretty much sums up how I feel about that....

As for Struggling with friends....... Lately I feel like I don't have any real friends. One of my best friends cut me out of her life after we had a minor disagreement. She felt like I was judging her for not wanting to watch a scary movie a while back... When my group of friends planned a movie night we planned a scary movie night. Kelise didn't want to watch a scary movie which yes I was disappointed but I was okay with changing the movie if it would make her happy. Apparently it didn't make her happy..... she also feels like I'm trying to change who she is. Which I guess I was a little bit, but at the same time she was the one who felt like she had no other friends in the ward so yes I tried to push her out of her shy shell to meet new people. Sorry for trying to help..... I'm frustrated that she would just cut me out of her life. She talked to others in person when she was having problems with them, but she won't talk to me in person. She'll only do it through text which sucks you get wrong impressions of what is said thru text messages... so that's my problem with Kelsie, but I'm struggling with others too... My supposedly best guy friend is hardly talking to me lately, and my best friend D and I are driving each other insane apparently. I think we've spent too much time together. Things were taken the wrong way and things haven't been the same. We've hardly talked to each other in the past 2 weeks. We're getting together tomorrow so her and her sister can use my Costco card so we'll see how weird things are between us. I just don't know what to do any more. I feel like nothing I say or do is right with my friends not sure how much more I can handle.....

I also miss my sister she needs to come home from Hawaii already I need to meet her little girl. I need some baby time, maybe that will cheer me up, or it'll make me more depressed because I don't have a family of my own.... but we'll see. Hopefully it makes me happy..... well I should head to bed I have to work in the morning...... :/

Cold December Night Lyrics- Michael Buble

Stockings are hung with care, as children sleep with one eye open Well now there's more than toys at stake cos I'm older now, but not done hoping
The twinkling of the lights, as scented candles fill the household Old Saint Nick has taken flight with a heart on board, so please be careful
Each year I ask for many different things, but now I know what my heart wants you to bring
So please just fall in love with me, this Christmas There's nothing else that I will need, this Christmas Won't be wrapped under a tree, I want something that lasts forever, so kiss me on this cold December night
A cheer that smells of pine, a house that's filled with joy and laughter The mistletoe says stand in line, loneliness is what I capture Oh that this evening can be a holy night Let's cozy on up by the fireplace and dim those Christmas lights
So please just fall in love with me, this Christmas There's nothing else that you will need, this Christmas Won't be wrapped under a tree, I want something that lasts forever, so kiss me on this cold December night
They call it the season of giving; I'm here, I'm yours for the taking They call it the season of giving; I'm here, I'm yours
Just fall in love with me, this Christmas There's nothing else that we will need, this Christmas Won't be wrapped under a tree, I want something that lasts forever, cos I don't wanna be alone tonight
I'll wear you like a Christmas sweater, walk you proudly to the mistletoe tonight
I want something that lasts forever, so kiss me on this cold December night
They call it the season of giving; I'm here, I'm yours for the taking They call it the season of giving; I'm here, I'm yours

Well Hello Old Friend.... I haven't missed you...

I can feel my depression coming back. I feel as if I've been able to handle it pretty well for a really long time, and now I almost feel like I'm back in middle school with the thoughts and the depression that I'm starting to feel. I don't like the way it makes me feel, and I won't put up with it. I keep telling myself it's not worth the tears, it's not worth the blood spilled, and yet it keeps creeping back into my mind. Whether it comes in the form of dreams, or thoughts that pop into my head while I'm driving. It scares me, and I don't want to feel this way, and I don't want to talk to the dr's about it again. They'll put me back on medications that I HATE! So instead I'm writing on my blog that no one reads... It's like my own personal journal....

Thrill The World Boise 2011

So my mom and I learned the Thriller dance recently and joined a group called Thrill The World. It's a group of people that dress up like zombies and then do the thriller dance all around the world. We participated in it this year. It was held out at Linder Farms and I happen to be in front of the camera that recorded it you can also see mom to the right and back of me. So here's a link for you all to watch of me doing the dance. :D There's a bit of flashing which is annoying but oh well! Enjoy!! Here's also a pic of mom and I dressed up before heading to the performance.

http://youtu.be/fQBbn7FKabo

I'm an Aunt!

Well I guess I should update a bit. A while ago I announced that my sister was having a baby and she did. Miss Kaylin Michelle Hulse. She's adorable. Here are a couple of pics of her. The first one is her in her cute Zebra Halloween costume!! Hehe she's becoming more like me everyday. Guess it helps that I pick things out for her. ;) and the second picture is of her in a dress that I and my mom picked out for her. She's soo stinking cute I can't wait to meet her in person. She was born September 12, 2011 and is living in Hawaii with her parents. Hopefully they'll be able to come home soon.

Awesome Zebra outfit!

Pretty dress for church!

Just When I Needed It Most...

Just Think,
you're here not by chance,
but by God's choosing.
His hand formed you
and made you the person you are.
He compares you to no one else-
you are one of a kind.
You lack nothing
that His grace can't give you.
He has allowed you to be here
at this time in history to fulfill His
special purpose for this generation.

I'm going to be an AUNT!!

I'm going to be an Aunt! I've known for a while I just haven't updated my blog for a while. My sister is due Septempber 15 and is having a little girl that'll be named Kaylin Michele Hulse. I'm super excited. A little annoyed they live in Hawaii and it's expensive to fly over and I can't get much time off for work so it'll be a while till I get to meet her but oh well still excited!!!

SUMMER!!!!!

Oh Summer how I've missed you!!! I'm so excited that you are here. You've already given me my normal sunglass burn and I'm starting to peel :) The warm weather makes me happy. Playing on the lake is fun and I'm soo excited to be playing sand volleyball again. I wish I was playing tennis more, but that will happen sooner or later. Just need to find the right person to play with. It doesn't help my normal tennis companions are busy. One got married and the other one works till 930 every night. :( oh well i'll teach some new people to play and it'll be fun.
Summer please stay around for a while. I'm not ready for the Idaho cold yet even though Autumn is just around the corner. See you soon! :)

book quote that struck me

Falling for him would be like cliff diving. It would be either the most exhilarating thing that ever happened to me or the stupidest mistake I'd ever make. It would make my life worth living or it would crush me against stoney rocks and break me utterly. Perhaps the wise thing to do would be to slow things down. Being friends would be so much simpler. ~ Tiger's Curse

Catch up on the last few months... lets see where to start? March flew by in no time. Don't remember much of what happend :) April was full. My sister and brother in law moved home for the month from Japan before moving to Hawaii. The house was full 7 people and 5 dogs! Also in April I got a promotion at work!!! YAY!!! I got promoted up to Part Time Sales Leader at Fashion Bug. In other words I'm now a manager. Which I'm really excited about. Not a lot changed with the promotion. I got a pay raise, more hours, and keys to the building. I also learned how to open and close the store but other than that I'm still doing the same things I was doing before hand which were manager things just now I'm getting paid for it. For example, I still help make the schedules and send them to our DM, I'm still incharge of a section of the store that I'm required to look brand standard (put things where our visual tells us to), and I help train the newer employees on how to do their job. All of which I've been doing since I got hired 3 years ago.

Lets see what else happened in April? My best friend Danelle still has a stocker and things are getting worst. I'm seriously worried for her especially since she's getting to the point where she doesn't care any more she actually wants them to attack her. Yes I say THEM because we caught 2 different men following her around at 3 different stores. They followed her to 5 different stores, but only 3 of the stores caught them on tape. Things are getting bad they break in to her house all the time, slash her tires, and that's just to name a few.

May came pretty quick too can't believe we're almost through it. The first weekend in May I went out of town with Mom, Dad, and Bryce. We drove up to Post Falls, Coure D'Alane area. Bryce was bowling in the State Bowling tournament. It was a nice mini vacation minus me getting sick. Still not sure what I had but I was a little miserable. Other than not feeling well at all it was a good trip. It's beautiful country up there and I would love to live somewhere like that. Small town area with lots of mountains and fresh air. It was AWESOME!!! While I was out of town I lent Danelle my car since her tires were slashed and wasn't drivable. When I got home on Sunday night Danelle came over to let me know what happend. While she had my car over the weekend two of my tires got slashed, a key was broken off in my drivers side door, and it got some scratches. STUPID STOCKERS!!!!! I wasn't the happiest camper about my tires seeing how I had to borrow my mom's van for a while, but I'm just glad Danelle was safe and nothing bigger happened. I did finally get my tires fixed after a week. I had to wait for a paycheck. Stuipdly enough two days after I got my new tires I had to go back and get them refixed. Some how I managed to run over screws in both of my new tires. How the heck and where that happened I have no idea!!!! But now everything is all peachy keen.
I also graduated from Institute again for the second time this May. Funny thing in my opinion is I've graduated two years in row again. The first time was I graduated from HS in '06 then College in '07. now I've graduated from Institute in '10 and '11. After attending institute for 5 years I finally took the remaining core classes last year to grauated for the first time. Then this year by taking a few more classes I was able to graduate again because I had sooo many extra credits from the first time I graduated. :)

Other than that my life is pretty boring. Still waiting for the weather to get warm and for me to have that day off so I can go get some tennis in. I hate that it goes from warm to cold so often. I'm ready for nice warm weather so I can play tennis and sand volleyball again. Man am I missing summer! Super glad it's coming up soon!!!!

Singles Awareness Day

I really HATE today. Valentine's Day has never been good to me. Elementary school I would only get the valentines required to be given to the whole class. Middle school I got nothing, High school was everyone all dating and being gross, and even now in my 20's it's still one of the most depressing days of the year for me.
I was actually kinda excited for today not going to lie. I had plans to meet up with 3 different guys and guess what they ALL bailed. One has bronchitis so he has a pass. I don't want to get sick again I've already had that once this year. One is studying for an accounting test which I can't really blame him it's what he's going to school for and he's stuggling with it but still it's sucks that he bailed. He's one of my best guy friends and I haven't talked to him much and I miss him. and the third guy didn't show up didn't give any notice at all that he wasn't going to show up.

I really hate Valentine's Day. It is diffently SINGLE AWARENESS DAY..... because it makes everyone very aware who's single. Please gag me to all those people who are mushy and lovie dovie it's gross and makes me want to stab people......

Stregthen Me

He hears you when you’re crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come And the light of the dawn reassures
That in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

Don't slide in sand volleyball

So I can't sleep at the moment and I've been meaning to put this up. On Tuesday I was playing sand volleyball with my single adult branch like I always do, and I was getting annoyed with people not going for the ball so I saw the ball coming down so I slid/dove for the ball. Well my foot ended up finding a nice big rock buried in the sand and decided that it wanted to get all cut up. It hurts a lot but it's not as bad as it was.

Single's Awareness Weekend

Can I say how much I absolutely hate this upcoming weekend?!?!?!?! I hate seeing everyone all gushy and lovely dovey when I have nothing. I seriously HATE THIS HOLIDAY!! IT SHOULD BE BANNED! I think I should become a mormon nun and lock myself up and only study the scriptures the rest of my life till I die. Sounds like a really good plan to me.

Sometimes you just want to cut your wrists and die now is one of those times......

What is it about me that if you ask me to be a bridesmaid in your wedding something I do without knowingly doing it upsets you, you get mad, kick me out of your wedding, and we are no longer friends???????? Seriously this has happened to me twice now. I don't know what it is but apparently I'm not a good bridesmaid. I honestly don't know why I was kicked out of the first wedding she didn't tell me she just did and then deleted me from everything then told me we were never friends. Now tonight i get kicked out of another one. This time being best friends with the girl SINCE KINDERGARTEN!! seroiusly how the heck am i taking over your wedding when we haven't done anything to do with it in over a month. you can't ask me for my honest opinion then get mad at me about it and stop being my friend. what kind of person does this sort of thing??? i hate so much how people change when they start dating and or get in engaged. why am i the one to be treated like crap. this has happend with all my friends so far i go invisible and when i'm not invisible i'm being treated lower then dirt. I'm sick of it i really am!! i want to seriously go jump off a cliff or cut my wrists or something..... i hate my life i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!! I hate feeling like i have no friends feeling like i'm invisible to the world honestly would anyone even noticed if i disappeared?? my guess is a big fat NO!


So if you no longer want to be friends with me just ask me to be a bridesmaid apparently cuz before the wedding even happens we'll no longer be friends.....


ps don't worry i'm not actually going to hurt myself even though it sounds like a really good idea right now.